Melding together with DD at the core

Long hiatus, sorry! Let's see, what's going on... I'm with the new guy, David. We practice DD in our relationship... but he is not nearly as nit-picky as J so there have been far fewer spankings, more laughter, fun-spirited teasing, cuddling, etc. DD is an asset to our relationship, not our entire relationship. There is still spanking, heavens yes! But we live 2 hours away from each other, so we see each other weekly instead of daily like J and I were. If things take off and we become more serious, we are both considering a re-location. Well, I really need to head to bed, I won't let it be so long between posts!

I went to go see David today. I care so deeply for him. As I told  you before, he used to be my disciplinarian. We hung out, had some kiss/cuddle/good ole make-out time, and lots of time to catch up on new and old business. Then he talked to me about what happened just before I left his discipline to be with Jason... an act of impulsiveness that cost me my job. He told me that I had deserved a spanking for that, but he hadn't given it to me since I was so upset and beside myself. He explained that he was going to spank me for it today, to remind me of the importance of not being impulsive, being professional at all times, and not discussing clients with other coworkers, even with the best intentions. We were laying on the bed talking, so he gently pushed me onto my stomach and lowered my jeans. Then he started with medium-hard hand swats over my panties. Hard enough that I felt them, but not hard enough to make me cry out or anything. He gently talked to me about why I was being s...

No pun intended! lol So today I saw J, for the third time since "it all" happened. He brought by some stuff for my sick daughter, and I gave him the items he'd left behind at my house. It was awkward to say the least. Then we were outside and talking when I kicked his butt playfully. He bent me over with my hands on the seat of his car and swatted my butt over my pants a few times, I was still laughing. Then he pulled my pants down a bit and gave me a swat on my bare butt, then quickly pulled my pants back up. I hugged him and we moved on to other conversation. But now that he's gone, I am thinking. I didn't feel "it". The submissive thrill, the feelings, the.. anything. I expected to feel it, I used to fieel it, but now, I didn't. So I figured I needed to come out and be honest. So I was. I told him I didn't feel for him like I used to. I told him that I was not going to use his sperm for my next child, and was brutally honest as to ...

I was at work on Thursday 2/8. I had been through a staff meeting and was sitting at my desk when I started to cry. Everything hit me: the assault, the days of stress about pregnancy, the fact that I'm alone again, J being suicidal.. everything. I started bawling and I couldn't stop. I did all the usual stuff that helps: deep breaths, listen to folk music, go for a walk, take a few drags off my vape pen, look at cute kittens online, have a snack, do difficult math problems in my head (I know, my coping skills are weird). But nothing worked. I called HR and told them what was going on. They immediately jumped into gear. They said that this qualified as domestic violence and there was a clause in my union contract allowing me time off for such. So I told my boss I would run to the dr for the anxiety, go to the court house to see if I could get a restraining order, then be right back. YEAH, right. It took an hour to get in to see the dr. The doctor listened to me and immediate...

So J and I are still not back together. We talk on the phone periodically and text back and forth, that's about it. He wants to get back together and try sex again. LOL I am thinking maybe having him around to slowly build back trust, but it will be a long time, if ever, that I am ready to trust him with discipline and sex again. That leaves me like a ship without a captain. I need discipline, accountability, etc to thrive. I asked my parents to step back into that role, but they are unwilling. They said it hurt them too much when I had Jason take over and they don't want to risk that pain again. That was really hard to hear. I'm not pregnant. But I realized how much I want another child. So a good friend of mine offered to be the "father", as in, the sperm. In a cup. lol, will be a while before i'm ready for intimacy again. He's a lawyer, so I can trust that all the legal stuff will be in order when we decide to do it. He is smart, kind, gentl...

So my ex is one of my best friends, and he lives with us right now. He is my children's father and he was homeless. This was an arrangement approved by J. J, I WANTED a baby with you. I wanted sex with you. But you forced it before I was ready. You raped me. You didn't have to, you could have stopped when I said no, and then when I was ready, it would have been beautiful. Now it's Him that is helping me through this hard time. It's him that's having to stop me from throwing everything away because it tastes rotten to me but it's not. I'm most likely pregnant, and it's him that's having to deal with it. Not you. He's already done this, he's paid his dues. I wanted it to be you that went through this journey with me. And it's not going to be, because you raped me. You messed up so badly that there isn't any coming back from it. It's him that's having to make sure I'm eating okay, getting the kids out the door i...

J and I are over. Probably forever. Some awful stuff happened last week and I broke stuff off with him. Like assault bad. Anyway, I am still thinking things over,  trying to decide if the problems stemmed from the fact that I'm trying to make him be someone he's not. I don't know, honestly. My heart is so sad. I will probably not post much for a few weeks as I process what I need to and decide where we are going from here. Probably nowhere. :(

I am struggling as a submissive, as a fiancee, as a mother, as an employee. Life in general is a struggle. 1. I'm struggling as a submissive because sometimes I feel like he doesn't Dom correctly. He doesn't spank me when I feel he should, and then he spanks me hard for things I feel aren't that big of a deal. He tries to incorporate sexy stuff RIGHT after spankings far too often. I do not like this. I NEED to be still, to focus and process after a spanking. Did you tell him? you ask... OF COURSE I did. I am big on communication. But its like he doesn't listen. He's busy kissing and stuff while I'm trying to talk to him. It's super frustrating. 2. I'm struggling as a fiancee because I am less and less sure, as the days go by, that I should even be one anymore. I love him dearly, but I'm not sure I can be married to him. He started out so consistent, and isn't anymore. I used to be able to know him, his limits, what would happen when, et...

So many things have happened since I wrote last. J and I have come to the agreement that as much as we'd like to get married right now, there are just too many doubts, too many issues that have come to light, to consider that a viable option. So we are still together, still dating, just not rushing into forever. He still disciplines me, on a regular basis (I got one last night for sassing) but not as much marriage talk, no sexual intimacy, just backing up and getting to know each other better. We're giving time for either the doubts to fade, or for things to become clear one way or another. The doubts are almost entirely on my side, but he is being patient with me. I am the kind of person that wants to rush into something good, and then sees the not-so-good and gets horrible buyers remorse. I dont' want that with a marriage. I'm also not sure if he is "the one." Or ist here even a "one"? It doesn't seem practical that there would be. I ...

I know I haven't written much lately.. or at all. J and I are struggling to stay afloat right now. We are dealing with some boundary issues, some religion issues, some compatibility issues. It seems that we have rushed into this relationship and are now realizing how many "steps" we skipped. I don't know if we are going to "make it" or not. Time will tell. My parents are helping us a lot, which is a good thing, as they have experience. My heart is sad to even write this post... but life goes on.

J has been working around the clock, getting his new store ready to open. He gets up at 6, starts work at 8, works often til 10 at night, then goes home and goes to bed.  Between my work schedule and his, we barely talk. He texts me off and on when he can, but that's about it. I am okay with it because it will only be for a few weeks, and he really needs the money! And also he is trying to prove what a good worker he is so he can stay on after the store opening. I don't feel as lost as I thought I would. I mean, I miss him, and its weird not to get nightly reminders, but I don't feel like a ship without a captain. I am used to running things by myself, having been single for 7 years. I love having him around, don't get me wrong, but I also feel confident in my abilities to handle things when he is not around. I think this signals that there is more melding to do. I don't feel dependent upon him, and I want to. I want to miss him and his presence more than I do....

Today was, as you know, Halloween. My son and daughter dressed up like usual, but this was my daughter's first Halloween not with us. It was hard for me. I feel like she is growing up and away from me. I know it's natural, and I know she is trying hard to be there for her best friend more than usual due to a loss in her best friend's life recently, but it's still hard. She promised me she would come to me if being there for her friend got to be too much. Anyway, so my son and I trick or treated for a while with friends, then came back and met J at the house. He was dressed in camo and we got ready to go trick or treat. We did a bit, and then decided to go to Dairy Queen for food. When we got there, he became really weird. He was drowsy and being, in my opinion, dumb. I know that's not nice to say, but it irritated me. I know he had just gotten off a 11 hour shift, but for goodness sake, suck it up and act normal in public! These are not submissive thoughts, and ...

Things are happening around here, but honestly, it's been hard to blog when hardly anyone ever reads it. I know that's not supposed to be the reason you blog, and it isn't, but it's hard anyway. So J has started a new job where he is working around the clock to get the store ready to open. So, he came over the day before it started, gave me a VERY firm reminder, and is checking in as needed. I'm doing pretty well, but I need to confess a misdeed to him, I just don't know how to go about doing it when we only talk by phone for like a minute, and a few scattered texts. I miss him. I miss his help and companionship, I miss the connections. I miss not having to feel guilty about anything because it can be dealt with right away. I haven't been spinning or had anything major happen.. which has been good. I'm following my rules, not fighting with my mother, eating enough food, dressing like a lady, etc etc. We don't have official rules yet so I follow...

Have been pretty quiet. Well, maybe not? IDK. On Saturday we had a busy day that started at 9am and ended after 11pm, and involved us driving over 250 miles! We went back and forth through our state, visiting various family members, dropping kids off all over the place, and trying to keep our sanity. I only got one VERY small spanking (like 2 swats) to remind me to calm down at one point.  We really had no privacy for anything else. Sunday J came over and the house he had so carefully cleaned was kind of messy. So he re-cleaned it and then spanked me for the mess. Sunday was a very spank-y day, as J re-affirmed roles and got me out of the funk I was in from the previous day, and helped me avoid a HUGE blow up with my mom over differences in parenting. She has strong opinions and sometimes rubs me the wrong way... this was a major instance of that "sometimes." We had a medical scare last night with me. It turned out fine but really rocked J to his core. It reminded me ...

The last few days, J has been unable to come over and spend much time with us, because of a knee injury that prevents him from driving much. I have communicated with him through text and frequent phone calls. Tonight, my mom and I got in a bit of a tiff over my proposed plans for the weekend. She gave her final word on what she expected me to do, which is her place as she is my mother. I argued with her, as I did not feel that she understood what was really going on. She messaged J and let him know what she expected. He called me and I went over what I said to her. Once he found out I had argued and talked back, he immediately made the 20 minute drive to my house. Once he was there, he had me show him the conversation online, went over how I had been disrespectful, and put me over the end of the bed to spank me. He made it clear that I should have stopped talking with my mom when it became an argument and let him handle it. He used the cane and the loopy, then put me over his kne...

Okay back to regular programming, lol. So the next morning I got up and spent some time with J and my parents. We talked about anything and everything. I have this problem where I get upset when anyone tries to tell me how to parent my kids or gives me more advice than I want (which is pretty much none). So my mom started trying to tell me that my son's bedwetting problem was psychological, a viewpoint she has voiced MANY times before and that I have told her is incorrect. I got frustrated and huffy with her. She got offended and went to her room to calm down. J told me that my mom was trying to help me and I WOULD be respectful. He got the loopy out and took advantage of the empty living room to spank me. It hurt a lot and I almost cried. I promised him I would be respectful. A couple of hours later, my mom was again stressed and went to her room to calm down. I was frustrated by her (but not disrespectful) and asked J for a spanking. Yup, ASKED. Crazy lady I am! He obliged ...

I have been thinking a lot lately of my mental health and how it works with domestic discipline. Domestic discipline helps a LOT. Like I said, medication keeps me at a pretty even keel, but my "lows" happen a little more frequently, and my "manic" episodes come from time to time (I have bi-polar disorder, moderate-severe PTSD and anxiety). I am going to speak pretty openly about it in this post. When I am very low, I tend to not want to move. I am weepy sometimes, and begin to doubt my relationship, his love for me, my abilities as a mother/daughter/fiancee/worker/etc. I have a very hard time with self-image. In this time, spanking can play an important role. It says, "I care about you." specifically, "I care too much to let you sink into this crap hole." Often it helps me bring out the tears. It shows me he can take care of me, he can handle me, I'm not too much of a mess for him, and there is a way to gain control. When I am manic...

When people with severe mental illness do not get their medication refilled on time, bad things can happen. And bad things did happen. For that, I am truly sorry. To the Chatzy Community, I am truly, from the bottom of my heart, sorry. I knew I wasn't in my right mind so I shouldn't have even tried to chat. I am all refilled now and am beginning to come out of that craziness. I am usually a very centered, stable kind of person. As long as I have my medication on board. My doctor quit and the new doctor that took over kept passing over my script, so I did not have the meds needed for mental sanity for about 5 days. Anyway, I will take this post down in a couple days, when those that need to see it have seen it. I don't expect to be given another chance. I know how this goes.... Thank you for reading this.

So we went to see my parents this weekend and it was super eventful, DD wise.. so I will break it into several parts. On Friday, J and I left the kids with their dad and went to see my parents. I was in a terrible mood and was quite defiant. J made it clear that such behavior would NOT be acceptable, but I kept pushing limits. He told me if I did it again, he would pull over at a rest stop and spank me. I didn't believe him and kept being defiant. He pulled over at a rest stop, parked as far away from others as possible. He got out, got a paddle from our luggage and returned to the car. He told me to flip over in my seat, and luckily allowed me to keep my skirt down and panties up. He began paddling, HARD and in no time I was apologizing and telling him I learned my lesson and begging him to stop. He went on for a little while, then asked me what I had learned. I told him, "I will be respectful, Sir, I PROMISE!!!" (he doesn't stop paddling when asking me question...

I went to work late as I had some stuff to attend to. Then J messaged me and asked me if I had left the house unlocked so he could go over. I had not. He came to work, got the key, went to my house, let himself in and cleaned the house for me. When I got home, I was unusually tired so he had me lay down while he cleaned. The kids came home and he got them to clean their rooms. Everyone kept coming in and out of my room and I didn't get any rest. I got up and J and I cleaned my room. Then I rested for a bit and made dinner. After dinner, I went to lay down and he said I had to sit with him. I was tired and did not feel good, so I called him a "vaca" jokingly. He came in and put me over the end of the bed, pulled down my panties and started spanking me with his hand, hard. He asked me repeatedly what that meant, and I  kept telling him it meant "wonderful boyfriend." Which, um, it does not. He kept spanking me and demanded that I tell him. I told him the trut...