Melding together with DD at the core

I went to go see David today. I care so deeply for him. As I told  you before, he used to be my disciplinarian. We hung out, had some kiss/cuddle/good ole make-out time, and lots of time to catch up on new and old business. Then he talked to me about what happened just before I left his discipline to be with Jason... an act of impulsiveness that cost me my job. He told me that I had deserved a spanking for that, but he hadn't given it to me since I was so upset and beside myself. He explained that he was going to spank me for it today, to remind me of the importance of not being impulsive, being professional at all times, and not discussing clients with other coworkers, even with the best intentions. We were laying on the bed talking, so he gently pushed me onto my stomach and lowered my jeans. Then he started with medium-hard hand swats over my panties. Hard enough that I felt them, but not hard enough to make me cry out or anything. He gently talked to me about why I was being s

No pun intended! lol So today I saw J, for the third time since "it all" happened. He brought by some stuff for my sick daughter, and I gave him the items he'd left behind at my house. It was awkward to say the least. Then we were outside and talking when I kicked his butt playfully. He bent me over with my hands on the seat of his car and swatted my butt over my pants a few times, I was still laughing. Then he pulled my pants down a bit and gave me a swat on my bare butt, then quickly pulled my pants back up. I hugged him and we moved on to other conversation. But now that he's gone, I am thinking. I didn't feel "it". The submissive thrill, the feelings, the.. anything. I expected to feel it, I used to fieel it, but now, I didn't. So I figured I needed to come out and be honest. So I was. I told him I didn't feel for him like I used to. I told him that I was not going to use his sperm for my next child, and was brutally honest as to

I was at work on Thursday 2/8. I had been through a staff meeting and was sitting at my desk when I started to cry. Everything hit me: the assault, the days of stress about pregnancy, the fact that I'm alone again, J being suicidal.. everything. I started bawling and I couldn't stop. I did all the usual stuff that helps: deep breaths, listen to folk music, go for a walk, take a few drags off my vape pen, look at cute kittens online, have a snack, do difficult math problems in my head (I know, my coping skills are weird). But nothing worked. I called HR and told them what was going on. They immediately jumped into gear. They said that this qualified as domestic violence and there was a clause in my union contract allowing me time off for such. So I told my boss I would run to the dr for the anxiety, go to the court house to see if I could get a restraining order, then be right back. YEAH, right. It took an hour to get in to see the dr. The doctor listened to me and immediate

So J and I are still not back together. We talk on the phone periodically and text back and forth, that's about it. He wants to get back together and try sex again. LOL I am thinking maybe having him around to slowly build back trust, but it will be a long time, if ever, that I am ready to trust him with discipline and sex again. That leaves me like a ship without a captain. I need discipline, accountability, etc to thrive. I asked my parents to step back into that role, but they are unwilling. They said it hurt them too much when I had Jason take over and they don't want to risk that pain again. That was really hard to hear. I'm not pregnant. But I realized how much I want another child. So a good friend of mine offered to be the "father", as in, the sperm. In a cup. lol, will be a while before i'm ready for intimacy again. He's a lawyer, so I can trust that all the legal stuff will be in order when we decide to do it. He is smart, kind, gentl

So my ex is one of my best friends, and he lives with us right now. He is my children's father and he was homeless. This was an arrangement approved by J. J, I WANTED a baby with you. I wanted sex with you. But you forced it before I was ready. You raped me. You didn't have to, you could have stopped when I said no, and then when I was ready, it would have been beautiful. Now it's Him that is helping me through this hard time. It's him that's having to stop me from throwing everything away because it tastes rotten to me but it's not. I'm most likely pregnant, and it's him that's having to deal with it. Not you. He's already done this, he's paid his dues. I wanted it to be you that went through this journey with me. And it's not going to be, because you raped me. You messed up so badly that there isn't any coming back from it. It's him that's having to make sure I'm eating okay, getting the kids out the door i

J and I are over. Probably forever. Some awful stuff happened last week and I broke stuff off with him. Like assault bad. Anyway, I am still thinking things over,  trying to decide if the problems stemmed from the fact that I'm trying to make him be someone he's not. I don't know, honestly. My heart is so sad. I will probably not post much for a few weeks as I process what I need to and decide where we are going from here. Probably nowhere. :(