It's Him but I wanted it to be you.

So my ex is one of my best friends, and he lives with us right now. He is my children's father and he was homeless. This was an arrangement approved by J.

J, I WANTED a baby with you. I wanted sex with you. But you forced it before I was ready. You raped me. You didn't have to, you could have stopped when I said no, and then when I was ready, it would have been beautiful.

Now it's Him that is helping me through this hard time. It's him that's having to stop me from throwing everything away because it tastes rotten to me but it's not. I'm most likely pregnant, and it's him that's having to deal with it. Not you. He's already done this, he's paid his dues. I wanted it to be you that went through this journey with me. And it's not going to be, because you raped me. You messed up so badly that there isn't any coming back from it.

It's him that's having to make sure I'm eating okay, getting the kids out the door in the morning, taking the garbage out, bringing food home when I'm too sick to cook. And it should be you. I wanted it to be you. But I can't even look at you now. Our child will grow up never knowing you. Because you forced yourself on me. You destroyed what should have been an amazing time: our first intimate encounter.

I've waited and waited and I wanted it to be a special, loving moment, bringing us together. Instead it stripped me of my dignity and tore us apart.

Our child will not know you. What kind of child deserves to have a rapist for a father?

You are only worried that I will press charges. Fuck you.

So it's Him that is going to be there. Our child will call HIM Daddy because the others do. I didn't want it that way.

I wanted it to be you.