He spanked me, but......

No pun intended! lol

So today I saw J, for the third time since "it all" happened. He brought by some stuff for my sick daughter, and I gave him the items he'd left behind at my house. It was awkward to say the least.

Then we were outside and talking when I kicked his butt playfully. He bent me over with my hands on the seat of his car and swatted my butt over my pants a few times, I was still laughing. Then he pulled my pants down a bit and gave me a swat on my bare butt, then quickly pulled my pants back up. I hugged him and we moved on to other conversation.

But now that he's gone, I am thinking. I didn't feel "it". The submissive thrill, the feelings, the.. anything. I expected to feel it, I used to fieel it, but now, I didn't.

So I figured I needed to come out and be honest. So I was. I told him I didn't feel for him like I used to. I told him that I was not going to use his sperm for my next child, and was brutally honest as to why (those reasons are personal, so I won't be sharing them). I told him it would either be my ex-husband's sperm, or my former disciplinarian, whom I am quite fond of.  He was hurt, and I understand that.

I then told him I was seeing my former disciplinarian, whom we will call J2. No, that's not right. Let's call him David, not his name, but it will work.  I am seeing him this weekend, and I saw him weekend before last. This weekend will be more personal and probably include a discipline session. I was honest with him about that. He knows I developed real feelings for David, and David for me, before we cooled it so I could further pursue J.

Why? Because David is a huge source of comfort for me, and I really like him. I didn't pursue him for a number of reasons, and some of those reasons still exist. Geographical distance (he lives 2 hours from me), age (he is over 25 years older), personal organization (he is not very organized, doesn't complete work on time very often, etc). Some of those reasons, such as wanting a baby NOW and thinking J would give me that, feeling like J was a perfect fit, etc, no longer exist.

People might ask, what do YOU want? I want a partner, someone close, someone to come home to, someone to develop a meaningful relationship with, to be submissive to, etc. I want someone to have a baby with. If i have a baby with David, he will be like 80 when the baby graduates from high school!

So I don't know. My feelings are pretty jumbled and I always "publish" right after I write these so they are raw, truthful and a real image of what I am feeling.

So goodnight, and publish!