Making decisions

So J and I are still not back together. We talk on the phone periodically and text back and forth, that's about it.
He wants to get back together and try sex again. LOL
I am thinking maybe having him around to slowly build back trust, but it will be a long time, if ever, that I am ready to trust him with discipline and sex again.

That leaves me like a ship without a captain. I need discipline, accountability, etc to thrive. I asked my parents to step back into that role, but they are unwilling. They said it hurt them too much when I had Jason take over and they don't want to risk that pain again.

That was really hard to hear.

I'm not pregnant. But I realized how much I want another child.

So a good friend of mine offered to be the "father", as in, the sperm. In a cup. lol, will be a while before i'm ready for intimacy again. He's a lawyer, so I can trust that all the legal stuff will be in order when we decide to do it.

He is smart, kind, gentle yet authoritative. I care very deeply for him. He has been my disciplinarian in the past, and he was wonderful. He just wasn't ready for the level of commitment I wanted. This way, there doesn't have to be any commitment. lol.

Anyway, my heart is still sad.... I'm still lost about what to do with J, what to do about submission, what to do in general.

My plans for the future went up in smoke, and now I'm trying to pull everything back together.

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