Breakdown
I was at work on Thursday 2/8. I had been through a staff meeting and was sitting at my desk when I started to cry. Everything hit me: the assault, the days of stress about pregnancy, the fact that I'm alone again, J being suicidal.. everything. I started bawling and I couldn't stop. I did all the usual stuff that helps: deep breaths, listen to folk music, go for a walk, take a few drags off my vape pen, look at cute kittens online, have a snack, do difficult math problems in my head (I know, my coping skills are weird). But nothing worked.
I called HR and told them what was going on. They immediately jumped into gear. They said that this qualified as domestic violence and there was a clause in my union contract allowing me time off for such.
So I told my boss I would run to the dr for the anxiety, go to the court house to see if I could get a restraining order, then be right back.
YEAH, right.
It took an hour to get in to see the dr. The doctor listened to me and immediately said I had no business working. She took me off work, prescribed some happy pills and told me if I still felt bad Monday, to come back.
Off work? I asked her what she thought was wrong, why I couldn't stop crying (It had been well over an hour). I was coping SO WELL before this!
She said it was totally normal and we all deal with things differently. She said she suspected I had been pushing stuff down and it had all just come to a head.
I was talking with J by text still, but at that point, I just cut off contact for now. Or maybe forever. I just can't do it anymore. I love him, but I can't stop thinking about the assault. How helpless I felt. I trusted him. In a DD relationship, you give more than you do in a vanilla relationship. You are more vulnerable. I feel like he exploited that, took it for granted, treated it like it was due him instead of the gift it was. I feel stupid for giving someone so much control.. although that's what DD is. DD is giving up control. It is trusting someone with your whole life.
I can't be with him because I can't do that. I will always be on guard, always afraid, never willing to totally let go, which won't work with this dynamic.
I still feel lost and scared and unsure. I feel like it should be getting better but so far, its not.
I called HR and told them what was going on. They immediately jumped into gear. They said that this qualified as domestic violence and there was a clause in my union contract allowing me time off for such.
So I told my boss I would run to the dr for the anxiety, go to the court house to see if I could get a restraining order, then be right back.
YEAH, right.
It took an hour to get in to see the dr. The doctor listened to me and immediately said I had no business working. She took me off work, prescribed some happy pills and told me if I still felt bad Monday, to come back.
Off work? I asked her what she thought was wrong, why I couldn't stop crying (It had been well over an hour). I was coping SO WELL before this!
She said it was totally normal and we all deal with things differently. She said she suspected I had been pushing stuff down and it had all just come to a head.
I was talking with J by text still, but at that point, I just cut off contact for now. Or maybe forever. I just can't do it anymore. I love him, but I can't stop thinking about the assault. How helpless I felt. I trusted him. In a DD relationship, you give more than you do in a vanilla relationship. You are more vulnerable. I feel like he exploited that, took it for granted, treated it like it was due him instead of the gift it was. I feel stupid for giving someone so much control.. although that's what DD is. DD is giving up control. It is trusting someone with your whole life.
I can't be with him because I can't do that. I will always be on guard, always afraid, never willing to totally let go, which won't work with this dynamic.
I still feel lost and scared and unsure. I feel like it should be getting better but so far, its not.
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