Mental health condition and domestic discipline

I have been thinking a lot lately of my mental health and how it works with domestic discipline.
Domestic discipline helps a LOT. Like I said, medication keeps me at a pretty even keel, but my "lows" happen a little more frequently, and my "manic" episodes come from time to time (I have bi-polar disorder, moderate-severe PTSD and anxiety). I am going to speak pretty openly about it in this post.

When I am very low, I tend to not want to move. I am weepy sometimes, and begin to doubt my relationship, his love for me, my abilities as a mother/daughter/fiancee/worker/etc. I have a very hard time with self-image. In this time, spanking can play an important role. It says, "I care about you." specifically, "I care too much to let you sink into this crap hole." Often it helps me bring out the tears. It shows me he can take care of me, he can handle me, I'm not too much of a mess for him, and there is a way to gain control.

When I am manic, its not always a happy mania. It's just like an overcharge of restless energy. I feel jittery and "off." Spankings work well in this situation as well. I fight them more but I need them just as much. They help me feel calmed, centered, burn off some of my energy and make me feel like he cares enough to keep me in line.

When I have bad anxiety, it helps as well. "If you don't calm down, I will calm you down." Something I have heard from my Dad for a long time, and I hear it from J as well. That gives me a reason to reel it in, and a knowledge that I won't spin out of control no matter what. If I can't get myself back under control, no fear, he can.

So what happened the other night? Well he was home and not on Chatzy, so he didn't see it. I perceived a slight against him and was manic at the time and my response kicked into overdrive. I was blinded by anger, it got to this crazy high level. I vented and calmed down. Problem is, I vented in a public format. If I had sense, I would have put that post as private and everything would have been fine.

So what now? Well, I am banned from the chat room. So is J, not sure why, but that's okay. And chances are that I will always be banned. I miss talking with people. Nights after J goes home are really hard times for me, and I would find solace with others in a chat room that I could relax in. That is gone. It's my own dang fault. I can't be freaking out like that on people.

So my heart is sad, that comfort was great. But I read a lot of DD blogs, and just kind of hang out, and go to sleep when stuff gets too hard.

I know, I haven't finished the weekend post, I will, I promise!