Conflicted

Today was, as you know, Halloween. My son and daughter dressed up like usual, but this was my daughter's first Halloween not with us. It was hard for me. I feel like she is growing up and away from me. I know it's natural, and I know she is trying hard to be there for her best friend more than usual due to a loss in her best friend's life recently, but it's still hard. She promised me she would come to me if being there for her friend got to be too much.
Anyway, so my son and I trick or treated for a while with friends, then came back and met J at the house. He was dressed in camo and we got ready to go trick or treat. We did a bit, and then decided to go to Dairy Queen for food. When we got there, he became really weird. He was drowsy and being, in my opinion, dumb. I know that's not nice to say, but it irritated me. I know he had just gotten off a 11 hour shift, but for goodness sake, suck it up and act normal in public! These are not submissive thoughts, and I struggled to remain submissive and obedient even though I wanted to just ditch him and take off because he was acting so weird. Then we realized he hadn't eaten all day. He got his food and ate, and within a few minutes was back to normal.
I went back to my house with him and my son, and dropped them off, then went to get my daughter. When we got back home, he was waiting for me, on my brand new white down comforter that I hadn't even gotten a cover for yet! After he'd been at work all day! I got so frustrated and started unloading all my frustrations. The comforter was a gift from my mother, was down so it can't be washed and he is dirty! I tried to be respectful, but he could tell I was off. So he decided I needed a long and firm reminder.
I put the kids to bed, and he brought me into my room and locked the door. He took me to the bed, pulled down my leggings and panties and pushed me over the end of the bed. Then he got behind me and held down my legs, resting his weight against them. It was actually nice, as it pinned me and made me feel totally submissive, like I needed to be. He started spanking, with light to almost medium force, enough to feel it and an occasional ouch, but nothing major. He spent a LOT of time on my sit spots. I whined and turned around to see what he was using. BIG mistake in our house! He immediately noticed my disrespect and turned his gentle reminder into a couple of HARD swats. I squealed and buried my face in the pillow. He sternly reminded me that looking back is NOT allowed. He continued, more gently. I asked him why he was spanking so long, and at first he said, "Because I can. Isn't that enough?" I said yes Sir and after a few more moments of spanking, he said I needed to be reminded of who was in charge, that he was the man of the house, and a reminder to be good. It got painful enough that I started repeating, "I'll be good! I'll be good!" But through it all, I began to relax. He was back in charge, back in form, back as my J.
I hate when I feel non submissive. It makes me feel weird and icky. I NEED him to be on form, in charge. I know he has weak moments, and I'm still trying to figure out how to respond to those, when I need him to be the Dom so badly. I wonder why I need that so much? Why I get so "off" when he shows weakness? He is human after all. He had a long day at work and he isn't used to working that much.
He finally wrapped up the reminder with my least favorite part. He gives me a number of HARD swats on each cheek with each implement used during the reminder. I squealed and tried hard not to wiggle. It is expected that I will be still during reminders, more so than during corrections.
He wanted to cuddle, and I did but was sooo tired I was feeling a bit crabby. We said our goodbyes.
I am now tucked in, feeling kind of guilty for how I treat him. I want to be sweeter, more submissive, more understanding.... but I feel so critical so much. I dearly love him, but sometimes I wonder if he is up to the task of leading me. I am not an easy woman to lead! I want to be though....
conflicted.