Backing up, starting over

So many things have happened since I wrote last. J and I have come to the agreement that as much as we'd like to get married right now, there are just too many doubts, too many issues that have come to light, to consider that a viable option. So we are still together, still dating, just not rushing into forever.

He still disciplines me, on a regular basis (I got one last night for sassing) but not as much marriage talk, no sexual intimacy, just backing up and getting to know each other better.

We're giving time for either the doubts to fade, or for things to become clear one way or another. The doubts are almost entirely on my side, but he is being patient with me.

I am the kind of person that wants to rush into something good, and then sees the not-so-good and gets horrible buyers remorse. I dont' want that with a marriage.

I'm also not sure if he is "the one." Or ist here even a "one"? It doesn't seem practical that there would be. I mean, if there was only one person in the whole world that you are supposed to end up with, what if you like, i don't know... blink or sneeze or don't go to that one party or something? Then are you stuck with less-than-supposed to be for the rest of your life? I think there are a number of people that each person could be compatible and even deliriously happy with, you just have to decide if the person you are with falls into that category. And I don't know.

My mind overrides my heart a lot. I don't put a lot of emphasis on feelings, because after all, they are just chemical reactions in our brain. A little dopamine here, a little adrenaline here, BAM, "love." Sounds kind of like some sort of chemistry experiment to me, not something to base the rest of your life on.

To me, lasting love is something that takes time. At first there is the "chemistry experiment", that gives our body the cue to take notice. But then, that fades, and we have to learn real love, how to live with that person every single day, bad and good, in and out. You can't make a decision that will last the rest of your life on a feeling. Sounds about as wise as getting a tattoo when you are drunk. When you come down from the high, will you have buyer's remorse? Will you spend the rest of your life wishing you could cover up that stupid mistake?

I'm not saying J is a stupid mistake. H eis a great guy and I do love him. I just don't know if that love is strong enough to last forever. And I want my next "I do" to last the rest of my life. And I want it to be a choice I am not ashamed of.

So we wait. I spend time exploring my feelings, deciding if I want this relationship to be my last. I don't have that answer, and that's why I'm not rushing to the altar. True love will wait. In that, I mean, if J is truly in love with me, he will give me the time and space I need to figure things out. Even beyond chemistry.