Melding together with DD at the core

Today was, as you know, Halloween. My son and daughter dressed up like usual, but this was my daughter's first Halloween not with us. It was hard for me. I feel like she is growing up and away from me. I know it's natural, and I know she is trying hard to be there for her best friend more than usual due to a loss in her best friend's life recently, but it's still hard. She promised me she would come to me if being there for her friend got to be too much. Anyway, so my son and I trick or treated for a while with friends, then came back and met J at the house. He was dressed in camo and we got ready to go trick or treat. We did a bit, and then decided to go to Dairy Queen for food. When we got there, he became really weird. He was drowsy and being, in my opinion, dumb. I know that's not nice to say, but it irritated me. I know he had just gotten off a 11 hour shift, but for goodness sake, suck it up and act normal in public! These are not submissive thoughts, and ...

Things are happening around here, but honestly, it's been hard to blog when hardly anyone ever reads it. I know that's not supposed to be the reason you blog, and it isn't, but it's hard anyway. So J has started a new job where he is working around the clock to get the store ready to open. So, he came over the day before it started, gave me a VERY firm reminder, and is checking in as needed. I'm doing pretty well, but I need to confess a misdeed to him, I just don't know how to go about doing it when we only talk by phone for like a minute, and a few scattered texts. I miss him. I miss his help and companionship, I miss the connections. I miss not having to feel guilty about anything because it can be dealt with right away. I haven't been spinning or had anything major happen.. which has been good. I'm following my rules, not fighting with my mother, eating enough food, dressing like a lady, etc etc. We don't have official rules yet so I follow...

Have been pretty quiet. Well, maybe not? IDK. On Saturday we had a busy day that started at 9am and ended after 11pm, and involved us driving over 250 miles! We went back and forth through our state, visiting various family members, dropping kids off all over the place, and trying to keep our sanity. I only got one VERY small spanking (like 2 swats) to remind me to calm down at one point.  We really had no privacy for anything else. Sunday J came over and the house he had so carefully cleaned was kind of messy. So he re-cleaned it and then spanked me for the mess. Sunday was a very spank-y day, as J re-affirmed roles and got me out of the funk I was in from the previous day, and helped me avoid a HUGE blow up with my mom over differences in parenting. She has strong opinions and sometimes rubs me the wrong way... this was a major instance of that "sometimes." We had a medical scare last night with me. It turned out fine but really rocked J to his core. It reminded me ...

The last few days, J has been unable to come over and spend much time with us, because of a knee injury that prevents him from driving much. I have communicated with him through text and frequent phone calls. Tonight, my mom and I got in a bit of a tiff over my proposed plans for the weekend. She gave her final word on what she expected me to do, which is her place as she is my mother. I argued with her, as I did not feel that she understood what was really going on. She messaged J and let him know what she expected. He called me and I went over what I said to her. Once he found out I had argued and talked back, he immediately made the 20 minute drive to my house. Once he was there, he had me show him the conversation online, went over how I had been disrespectful, and put me over the end of the bed to spank me. He made it clear that I should have stopped talking with my mom when it became an argument and let him handle it. He used the cane and the loopy, then put me over his kne...

Okay back to regular programming, lol. So the next morning I got up and spent some time with J and my parents. We talked about anything and everything. I have this problem where I get upset when anyone tries to tell me how to parent my kids or gives me more advice than I want (which is pretty much none). So my mom started trying to tell me that my son's bedwetting problem was psychological, a viewpoint she has voiced MANY times before and that I have told her is incorrect. I got frustrated and huffy with her. She got offended and went to her room to calm down. J told me that my mom was trying to help me and I WOULD be respectful. He got the loopy out and took advantage of the empty living room to spank me. It hurt a lot and I almost cried. I promised him I would be respectful. A couple of hours later, my mom was again stressed and went to her room to calm down. I was frustrated by her (but not disrespectful) and asked J for a spanking. Yup, ASKED. Crazy lady I am! He obliged ...

I have been thinking a lot lately of my mental health and how it works with domestic discipline. Domestic discipline helps a LOT. Like I said, medication keeps me at a pretty even keel, but my "lows" happen a little more frequently, and my "manic" episodes come from time to time (I have bi-polar disorder, moderate-severe PTSD and anxiety). I am going to speak pretty openly about it in this post. When I am very low, I tend to not want to move. I am weepy sometimes, and begin to doubt my relationship, his love for me, my abilities as a mother/daughter/fiancee/worker/etc. I have a very hard time with self-image. In this time, spanking can play an important role. It says, "I care about you." specifically, "I care too much to let you sink into this crap hole." Often it helps me bring out the tears. It shows me he can take care of me, he can handle me, I'm not too much of a mess for him, and there is a way to gain control. When I am manic...

When people with severe mental illness do not get their medication refilled on time, bad things can happen. And bad things did happen. For that, I am truly sorry. To the Chatzy Community, I am truly, from the bottom of my heart, sorry. I knew I wasn't in my right mind so I shouldn't have even tried to chat. I am all refilled now and am beginning to come out of that craziness. I am usually a very centered, stable kind of person. As long as I have my medication on board. My doctor quit and the new doctor that took over kept passing over my script, so I did not have the meds needed for mental sanity for about 5 days. Anyway, I will take this post down in a couple days, when those that need to see it have seen it. I don't expect to be given another chance. I know how this goes.... Thank you for reading this.

So we went to see my parents this weekend and it was super eventful, DD wise.. so I will break it into several parts. On Friday, J and I left the kids with their dad and went to see my parents. I was in a terrible mood and was quite defiant. J made it clear that such behavior would NOT be acceptable, but I kept pushing limits. He told me if I did it again, he would pull over at a rest stop and spank me. I didn't believe him and kept being defiant. He pulled over at a rest stop, parked as far away from others as possible. He got out, got a paddle from our luggage and returned to the car. He told me to flip over in my seat, and luckily allowed me to keep my skirt down and panties up. He began paddling, HARD and in no time I was apologizing and telling him I learned my lesson and begging him to stop. He went on for a little while, then asked me what I had learned. I told him, "I will be respectful, Sir, I PROMISE!!!" (he doesn't stop paddling when asking me question...