Melding together with DD at the core

I am struggling as a submissive, as a fiancee, as a mother, as an employee. Life in general is a struggle. 1. I'm struggling as a submissive because sometimes I feel like he doesn't Dom correctly. He doesn't spank me when I feel he should, and then he spanks me hard for things I feel aren't that big of a deal. He tries to incorporate sexy stuff RIGHT after spankings far too often. I do not like this. I NEED to be still, to focus and process after a spanking. Did you tell him? you ask... OF COURSE I did. I am big on communication. But its like he doesn't listen. He's busy kissing and stuff while I'm trying to talk to him. It's super frustrating. 2. I'm struggling as a fiancee because I am less and less sure, as the days go by, that I should even be one anymore. I love him dearly, but I'm not sure I can be married to him. He started out so consistent, and isn't anymore. I used to be able to know him, his limits, what would happen when, et...

So many things have happened since I wrote last. J and I have come to the agreement that as much as we'd like to get married right now, there are just too many doubts, too many issues that have come to light, to consider that a viable option. So we are still together, still dating, just not rushing into forever. He still disciplines me, on a regular basis (I got one last night for sassing) but not as much marriage talk, no sexual intimacy, just backing up and getting to know each other better. We're giving time for either the doubts to fade, or for things to become clear one way or another. The doubts are almost entirely on my side, but he is being patient with me. I am the kind of person that wants to rush into something good, and then sees the not-so-good and gets horrible buyers remorse. I dont' want that with a marriage. I'm also not sure if he is "the one." Or ist here even a "one"? It doesn't seem practical that there would be. I ...

I know I haven't written much lately.. or at all. J and I are struggling to stay afloat right now. We are dealing with some boundary issues, some religion issues, some compatibility issues. It seems that we have rushed into this relationship and are now realizing how many "steps" we skipped. I don't know if we are going to "make it" or not. Time will tell. My parents are helping us a lot, which is a good thing, as they have experience. My heart is sad to even write this post... but life goes on.

J has been working around the clock, getting his new store ready to open. He gets up at 6, starts work at 8, works often til 10 at night, then goes home and goes to bed.  Between my work schedule and his, we barely talk. He texts me off and on when he can, but that's about it. I am okay with it because it will only be for a few weeks, and he really needs the money! And also he is trying to prove what a good worker he is so he can stay on after the store opening. I don't feel as lost as I thought I would. I mean, I miss him, and its weird not to get nightly reminders, but I don't feel like a ship without a captain. I am used to running things by myself, having been single for 7 years. I love having him around, don't get me wrong, but I also feel confident in my abilities to handle things when he is not around. I think this signals that there is more melding to do. I don't feel dependent upon him, and I want to. I want to miss him and his presence more than I do....

Today was, as you know, Halloween. My son and daughter dressed up like usual, but this was my daughter's first Halloween not with us. It was hard for me. I feel like she is growing up and away from me. I know it's natural, and I know she is trying hard to be there for her best friend more than usual due to a loss in her best friend's life recently, but it's still hard. She promised me she would come to me if being there for her friend got to be too much. Anyway, so my son and I trick or treated for a while with friends, then came back and met J at the house. He was dressed in camo and we got ready to go trick or treat. We did a bit, and then decided to go to Dairy Queen for food. When we got there, he became really weird. He was drowsy and being, in my opinion, dumb. I know that's not nice to say, but it irritated me. I know he had just gotten off a 11 hour shift, but for goodness sake, suck it up and act normal in public! These are not submissive thoughts, and ...

Things are happening around here, but honestly, it's been hard to blog when hardly anyone ever reads it. I know that's not supposed to be the reason you blog, and it isn't, but it's hard anyway. So J has started a new job where he is working around the clock to get the store ready to open. So, he came over the day before it started, gave me a VERY firm reminder, and is checking in as needed. I'm doing pretty well, but I need to confess a misdeed to him, I just don't know how to go about doing it when we only talk by phone for like a minute, and a few scattered texts. I miss him. I miss his help and companionship, I miss the connections. I miss not having to feel guilty about anything because it can be dealt with right away. I haven't been spinning or had anything major happen.. which has been good. I'm following my rules, not fighting with my mother, eating enough food, dressing like a lady, etc etc. We don't have official rules yet so I follow...

Have been pretty quiet. Well, maybe not? IDK. On Saturday we had a busy day that started at 9am and ended after 11pm, and involved us driving over 250 miles! We went back and forth through our state, visiting various family members, dropping kids off all over the place, and trying to keep our sanity. I only got one VERY small spanking (like 2 swats) to remind me to calm down at one point.  We really had no privacy for anything else. Sunday J came over and the house he had so carefully cleaned was kind of messy. So he re-cleaned it and then spanked me for the mess. Sunday was a very spank-y day, as J re-affirmed roles and got me out of the funk I was in from the previous day, and helped me avoid a HUGE blow up with my mom over differences in parenting. She has strong opinions and sometimes rubs me the wrong way... this was a major instance of that "sometimes." We had a medical scare last night with me. It turned out fine but really rocked J to his core. It reminded me ...