Melding together with DD at the core

I know I haven't written much lately.. or at all. J and I are struggling to stay afloat right now. We are dealing with some boundary issues, some religion issues, some compatibility issues. It seems that we have rushed into this relationship and are now realizing how many "steps" we skipped. I don't know if we are going to "make it" or not. Time will tell. My parents are helping us a lot, which is a good thing, as they have experience. My heart is sad to even write this post... but life goes on.

J has been working around the clock, getting his new store ready to open. He gets up at 6, starts work at 8, works often til 10 at night, then goes home and goes to bed.  Between my work schedule and his, we barely talk. He texts me off and on when he can, but that's about it. I am okay with it because it will only be for a few weeks, and he really needs the money! And also he is trying to prove what a good worker he is so he can stay on after the store opening. I don't feel as lost as I thought I would. I mean, I miss him, and its weird not to get nightly reminders, but I don't feel like a ship without a captain. I am used to running things by myself, having been single for 7 years. I love having him around, don't get me wrong, but I also feel confident in my abilities to handle things when he is not around. I think this signals that there is more melding to do. I don't feel dependent upon him, and I want to. I want to miss him and his presence more than I do....

Today was, as you know, Halloween. My son and daughter dressed up like usual, but this was my daughter's first Halloween not with us. It was hard for me. I feel like she is growing up and away from me. I know it's natural, and I know she is trying hard to be there for her best friend more than usual due to a loss in her best friend's life recently, but it's still hard. She promised me she would come to me if being there for her friend got to be too much. Anyway, so my son and I trick or treated for a while with friends, then came back and met J at the house. He was dressed in camo and we got ready to go trick or treat. We did a bit, and then decided to go to Dairy Queen for food. When we got there, he became really weird. He was drowsy and being, in my opinion, dumb. I know that's not nice to say, but it irritated me. I know he had just gotten off a 11 hour shift, but for goodness sake, suck it up and act normal in public! These are not submissive thoughts, and ...

Things are happening around here, but honestly, it's been hard to blog when hardly anyone ever reads it. I know that's not supposed to be the reason you blog, and it isn't, but it's hard anyway. So J has started a new job where he is working around the clock to get the store ready to open. So, he came over the day before it started, gave me a VERY firm reminder, and is checking in as needed. I'm doing pretty well, but I need to confess a misdeed to him, I just don't know how to go about doing it when we only talk by phone for like a minute, and a few scattered texts. I miss him. I miss his help and companionship, I miss the connections. I miss not having to feel guilty about anything because it can be dealt with right away. I haven't been spinning or had anything major happen.. which has been good. I'm following my rules, not fighting with my mother, eating enough food, dressing like a lady, etc etc. We don't have official rules yet so I follow...

Have been pretty quiet. Well, maybe not? IDK. On Saturday we had a busy day that started at 9am and ended after 11pm, and involved us driving over 250 miles! We went back and forth through our state, visiting various family members, dropping kids off all over the place, and trying to keep our sanity. I only got one VERY small spanking (like 2 swats) to remind me to calm down at one point.  We really had no privacy for anything else. Sunday J came over and the house he had so carefully cleaned was kind of messy. So he re-cleaned it and then spanked me for the mess. Sunday was a very spank-y day, as J re-affirmed roles and got me out of the funk I was in from the previous day, and helped me avoid a HUGE blow up with my mom over differences in parenting. She has strong opinions and sometimes rubs me the wrong way... this was a major instance of that "sometimes." We had a medical scare last night with me. It turned out fine but really rocked J to his core. It reminded me ...

The last few days, J has been unable to come over and spend much time with us, because of a knee injury that prevents him from driving much. I have communicated with him through text and frequent phone calls. Tonight, my mom and I got in a bit of a tiff over my proposed plans for the weekend. She gave her final word on what she expected me to do, which is her place as she is my mother. I argued with her, as I did not feel that she understood what was really going on. She messaged J and let him know what she expected. He called me and I went over what I said to her. Once he found out I had argued and talked back, he immediately made the 20 minute drive to my house. Once he was there, he had me show him the conversation online, went over how I had been disrespectful, and put me over the end of the bed to spank me. He made it clear that I should have stopped talking with my mom when it became an argument and let him handle it. He used the cane and the loopy, then put me over his kne...

Okay back to regular programming, lol. So the next morning I got up and spent some time with J and my parents. We talked about anything and everything. I have this problem where I get upset when anyone tries to tell me how to parent my kids or gives me more advice than I want (which is pretty much none). So my mom started trying to tell me that my son's bedwetting problem was psychological, a viewpoint she has voiced MANY times before and that I have told her is incorrect. I got frustrated and huffy with her. She got offended and went to her room to calm down. J told me that my mom was trying to help me and I WOULD be respectful. He got the loopy out and took advantage of the empty living room to spank me. It hurt a lot and I almost cried. I promised him I would be respectful. A couple of hours later, my mom was again stressed and went to her room to calm down. I was frustrated by her (but not disrespectful) and asked J for a spanking. Yup, ASKED. Crazy lady I am! He obliged ...