Melding together with DD at the core

So my ex is one of my best friends, and he lives with us right now. He is my children's father and he was homeless. This was an arrangement approved by J. J, I WANTED a baby with you. I wanted sex with you. But you forced it before I was ready. You raped me. You didn't have to, you could have stopped when I said no, and then when I was ready, it would have been beautiful. Now it's Him that is helping me through this hard time. It's him that's having to stop me from throwing everything away because it tastes rotten to me but it's not. I'm most likely pregnant, and it's him that's having to deal with it. Not you. He's already done this, he's paid his dues. I wanted it to be you that went through this journey with me. And it's not going to be, because you raped me. You messed up so badly that there isn't any coming back from it. It's him that's having to make sure I'm eating okay, getting the kids out the door i...

J and I are over. Probably forever. Some awful stuff happened last week and I broke stuff off with him. Like assault bad. Anyway, I am still thinking things over,  trying to decide if the problems stemmed from the fact that I'm trying to make him be someone he's not. I don't know, honestly. My heart is so sad. I will probably not post much for a few weeks as I process what I need to and decide where we are going from here. Probably nowhere. :(

I am struggling as a submissive, as a fiancee, as a mother, as an employee. Life in general is a struggle. 1. I'm struggling as a submissive because sometimes I feel like he doesn't Dom correctly. He doesn't spank me when I feel he should, and then he spanks me hard for things I feel aren't that big of a deal. He tries to incorporate sexy stuff RIGHT after spankings far too often. I do not like this. I NEED to be still, to focus and process after a spanking. Did you tell him? you ask... OF COURSE I did. I am big on communication. But its like he doesn't listen. He's busy kissing and stuff while I'm trying to talk to him. It's super frustrating. 2. I'm struggling as a fiancee because I am less and less sure, as the days go by, that I should even be one anymore. I love him dearly, but I'm not sure I can be married to him. He started out so consistent, and isn't anymore. I used to be able to know him, his limits, what would happen when, et...